mon amie chère,

All I would like to say is,

Alhamdulillah for the past nine months.
Bismillah for the times ahead.
InsyaAllah for the future.

Amin.

conundrum

It was like sipping on fine tea and suddenly choking on that gum you were chewing beforehand.


I came to sudden realization about that promise I made myself all those years ago.
A pledge I took ever so seriously, altering the choices I made that could possibly change the shape of my personality - the person that I am today.

It was a promise to protect.
To protect myself from the things that could cause me ache.
To protect my heart from getting lost, for I feared if it were to go astray, it could never find its way back.
To protect. And to protect is to hide the key to that garden which lies deep inside, only for the Chosen one to reside.

How was I not aware?
How could I forget?
Could this be the answer?


Can I keep my promise?


Does the boot fit?



Am I still lost at sea or have I found an island?

Nine thousand miles

Nine thousand miles

handwritten letters
straining my wrist
sealed with drops of
sorrow

arrive at your door
crisp as the day
we met by the field
that smelled of cut grass

pages folded in twos,
fours, holding the stories
waiting to be read
by the one
they were meant for

encounters and
quarrels
hopes of meeting
again

wrapped in the
envelopes which pile
one on top
of another ten

chapters that count
the days it takes
to close
nine thousand miles

- Nauwar Shukri

Thank you for dedicating this to Paco and I.

mainstreaming

So I like a One Direction song. Shoot me.

For the ladies xx

dear Paco,

I don't know what you're feelings are exactly at the moment, but I think I can have a good guess.
I of all people would understand how hard times are right now.
And we fear for the worst,
we fear of what we'll become,
and we fear of what we'll be without.

"Well you only need the light when it's burning low 
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow 
Only know you love her when you let her go"

This is for him and I hope he knows it.

xx

waiting, anticipating, pacing

I have good news to share with you. I hope you get back to me soon.
I don't know what this is, but if you tell me, I'm sure I'll understand.






Ya Allah, besarnya cabaranMu ini.
KepadaMu aku berserah. Aku redha.

loving a love like this

“Immature people falling in love destroy each other’s freedom, create a bondage, make a prison. Mature persons in love help each other to be free; they help each other to destroy all sorts of bondages. And when love flows with freedom there is beauty. When love flows with dependence there is ugliness.

A mature person does not fall in love, he or she rises in love. Only immature people fall; they stumble and fall down in love. Somehow they were managing and standing. Now they cannot manage and they cannot stand. They were always ready to fall on the ground and to creep. They don’t have the backbone, the spine; they don’t have the integrity to stand alone.

A mature person has the integrity to stand alone. And when a mature person gives love, he or she gives without any strings attached to it. When two mature persons are in love, one of the great paradoxes of life happens, one of the most beautiful phenomena: they are together and yet tremendously alone. They are together so much that they are almost one. Two mature persons in love help each other to become more free. There is no politics involved, no diplomacy, no effort to dominate. Only freedom and love.”


— Osho 

i found her in the labyrinth

At some point in my life, I wish I was nearly as half as interesting as Alaska Young.

monsoon

Hello. Hi. Hey.

It's been raining a lot.

And the caprices of the weather reminds me of none other but myself.

I'm not saying I'm Pocahontas or I have a willow as a grandmother,

but I am easily influenced by the ambiance. The environment around me.

I can't help but cry if the skies cry too.

And I am thankful that God has blessed us with rain and the chimerical pros that come along with it.

For instance; 

Exhibit A, cuddle/sleep weather. 

Exhibit B, the eldrtichness of it all makes it depressing enough to make one feel insightful. Great weather for writers, they say.

To add to my being fatigue whenever it's rainy season, my immune system betrays me if my body's exposed to the attack of heavenly tears.

I guess it's my body's way of saying "who asked you to play under the rain all those years ago?"
Thus, making me grow from just being morose to bloody mad at myself.

For being so weak.

For being so vulnerable.

Against my will.

niddering no more

I think it's high time that I live for myself.

gravity : a reality?

It's one of those nights-
Where I'm so lost in a blunder of emotions, thoughts, feelings - most which I cannot fathom and feed my soul enlightenment.
Lately, this chamber in which my mind has so oftenly traveled has been made a permanent abode for escapism.

As the light of day crept it's way into the corners of my room, lighting it up, burning the skin that's exposed and unhidden from the quilts that enveloped my body, I will awake with the thought of you inviting me to that sweet escape again. My eyes still shut, I'd trace the shape of your lips, your eyes, the bridge of your nose and all the way to the strong feature of your jaw, slowly finding my way back to slumber as I was painting my canvas.

I try my best to lock the door to that room. Because once I'm in it, I would be lost. Detached.
It's a dangerous place, it is. But I find myself coming back, wanting for more.
It's beautiful. And it's poisonous.

to give

Oh God I wish I could give you everything.







Because you are oh so worth it.

love letter to the future

Dear University Applications,

I hope you're good enough.
I hope the mailing materials will reach safely.
I hope that you promise me a bright future ahead.
You've caused me so much stress, I guess it was due to the fact that I didn't have much time to prepare all of these things, it's just so... overwhelming. Or maybe that's just my hormones speaking.
Fingers crossed. Let's just hope I hear some good news in the few next months.



Sincerely,
A very troubled and paranoid girl.

2 days of celebration

Things to do with your sweetheart;

• smile at each other.
• share everything. well, most things like food, books, clothes(?), stories, opinions, hugs, music, kisses, etc.
• watch a horrible movie together. and complain about how horrible it is. but love it anyway because you're with your significant other. less horrible.
• snap photos.
• travel places. doesn't have to be far, honestly an aimless drive would do.
• spontaneous activities like opting for the zoo instead of the cinemas.
• read them your favorite poems.
• experiment in the kitchen together.
• kiss him when he's mad.
• kiss him twice when he's not.
• do silly things that you would probably do with your best friend.
• have an early day. go to breakfast together, grocery shopping afterwards maybe?
• send random messages to each other.
• lay down and relax, listen to each others' exhales.

Half a year.
6 months.
182.621 days.
262974 minutes.
15778440 seconds.

And with every heartbeat, my love for you grows stronger.

Shahey and Mawi

Skype sessions are the best! Especially when you're really far from the other person. 

It's really nice because you get to see the other party. 

We don't have to talk.

Just seeing the other person doing whatever it is they're doing is enough.

This one's for Mawiah The Sheep. Here you go cupcake!

And of course, the ever gedik Mr. Shahey <3 p="p">

Hihi. He's on a mission to dig up everyone's dirty laundry in California.
Just look at that face~

menghitung hari

but I got k-ed at

"One of the most satisfying experiences I know is just fully to appreciate an individual in the same way I appreciate a sunset. When I look at a sunset … I don’t find myself saying, “Soften the orange a little on the right hand corner, and put a bit more purple in the cloud color” … I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch it with awe as it unfolds. It is this receptive, open attitude which is necessary to truly perceive something as it is."

-Carl Rogers

across the pacific ocean

The real challenge starts here.
And I am but reminded of all the things I used to despise...
On top of the list?



Expectations.

They will be the death of me.

the wallflower's guide to 'how to be and feel sexy'

• treat everyone with kindness, even though they don't deserve it.
• be quiet, lower your gaze. you'll seem mysterious.
• you don't have to shed a lot of skin in order to be sexy. confidence is key.
• manners are very important. vulgar language is a big turn off.
• say 'please' and 'thank you'. smile.
• wear sexy undergarments. i believe that confidence shines from within.
• read. and by read i meant factual stuffs and current issues. drooling over fantasies from your novels won't make you any smarter, it seems. smart is sexy.
• don't give away too much.
• be yourself. putting on charades is not going to help you. try and learn to be comfortable in your own skin. love yourself before letting others love you.
• explore new things.
• learn how to be creative. keep a journal, write random stuffs, read a random book, join a club, try a new dish, experiment in the kitchen.
• give out lovely compliments. and be sincere.
• think nicely of other people.
• do volunteer work. give as much as you take.
• don't expect. do things out of love and passion. do it for yourself, not to attract attention. if you've done enough, people will notice.
• breathe in the earth, the people, the smell of coffee, the scent of a newly opened book. appreciate life.
• be thankful.

Being sexy is not about showing your cleavage or having people bow down to you as if you're a goddess, no. To me, being sexy is being womanly. And by being womanly, is to embrace our fragile and tender nature. Our loving souls. As a woman, I think the most attractive trait that we can have is confidence with humility. 

"Be humble for you are made of Earth. Be noble for you are made of stars."

so travel, it will

blog as a last resort for a venting outlet

STOP REPLYING TO MY TWEET PEOPLE.



I KNOW DWIGHT HOWARD IS MOVING TO THE LAKERS. AND NO, I'M NOT HAPPY.

word vomit

So are you ready?
Are we?




Am I?


I might be making a big fuss out of this but I can't help it.
I don't know what to do or think. Every time I pick myself up and try to prepare for what's to come it only pulls me back to that nightmare I've been avoiding these past few months.
Been having the same dreams lately too. Same obstacles, random people and faces, but still, same monsters.
I don't know what it means. Hm.

Sometimes I just sit and stare into emptiness thinking of what I'm feeling and how to exactly mold my thoughts into words.

On one end, you just want to be exuberantly happy and optimistic that you'd automatically repel ill-willed zombies whenever you walk pass them.

And on the other, it's like your whole world is crashing into a big hole of nothingness and you find yourself imprisoned in it. And you just want to curl up into a ball, losing yourself little by little, luxuriating in letting go and crying your insides out.

Most of the time I'm good. I'm that happy, optimistic person.
Other times I would love to opt for the latter. You know, just to satisfy my bipolar needs.

This post does not have a clear topic. (It is bipolar, just like myself. Ha.)
Well, while I'm stuck in limbo, I bid you all Happy Ramadhan!

proCATinator

Mmm... so lazy...

I know I shouldn't, but I'm just still in that holiday mood.

This has got to stop ASAP. But until it does.... *purr lick lick* :3

nobody gets left behind,

or forgotten.

anniversaire de soirée

You know how badly I wanted this book?
Really. REALLY. Bad.

It was hard to find and I was beginning to lose hope for every time that I went into the bookstore, I would fail to locate it. The only way I could get my hands on this book was to order it. Sigh.

Turns out luck was on my side. Someone really special got it for me.
It was the best surprise ever. And to top it off, he even threw me a surprise birthday soirée later on.

Funny how the night started with me being so bloody nervous, weeping the next minute and then surrounded by a lot of love in one tiny unit on the 20th floor in an apartment in Subang. I've always dreaded celebrating birthdays, but tonight was an exceptional case. Looking around the unit, shifting from one friendly face to another, I can't help but think that I'm the luckiest girl on Earth to be having such wonderful people as friends. And of course, to have such an amazing guy beside me too.
I wouldn't want the night to revolve around me (even if it was my birthday) so I wished for them to share some stories or a memoir knowing that that night might be our last night together.
We were sleepy and tired, but the warmth in the room kept us up. (Yes, I meant from all the love in the room and it was also hot...) Fruits, junk food and also ice-cream were the fuel for our late night talks.

I definitely had fun and I'm forever grateful to everyone who was there that night. To be frank, I barely know some of those people, all I know is their names but it didn't matter. Because it wasn't about me anymore. It was about everyone coming together. It was about everyone being united by friendship. It was about everyone. And we were infinite.

The thought of not seeing their faces next semester...

NOOOOOOOOOO!

Hm. It's gonna be really quiet, but I still have the girls with me. And my long lost twin brother too.


It should be fine. One year. One year and I'm gonna see their faces again. One year and I'm gonna be in your arms again, insyaAllah. 

9295.8 Miles

You can give me all the money in the world, but I'd still won't be able to afford it.





If only one could buy time.

i painted skies

Wise men say, only fools rush in.


In the early stages, we might have. But you know what, I'm glad you took a chance.
I'm glad I took the risk.
I'm glad that we're here.


At first of course, it was a bit selfish of me to view you in a different light. I had hopes that you would help me ease the pain away... It was wrong of me, I know. But I didn't expect any of this to happen.
I was in no position to receive such blessing. I'm not worthy of it.

Maybe I went through all of those crap because God had bigger plans for me. Well, from your side, I guess it's a different case because you're a bit unlucky... because well... I'm... me. (The girl is too complicated, she can't even verbalize herself into words. Sigh.)

I'm not making any sense at the moment and for those who are totally lost, my apologies.
I guess when you're happy, you tend to be at a lost for words.
All I can say is, alhamdulillah. I thank God for you.








And oh, here's a cat.

leap year

We just passed the 29th of February which comes only every 4 years.
Goodbye Fitness February, it's time for us all to March on.

Now here's a guideline for everyone in order to survive this month;



Now hold out a peace sign.

This means victory,
This means peace,
It also means
Two hamburgers please.

now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end
Always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/gotye-somebody-that-i-used-to-know-lyrics.html ]
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know... 

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

I used to know
That I used to know

Somebody...

When words fail, music speaks right?

and in the morning i'll be with you, but it will be a different kind

Right. Second semester.
Hectic.
Exciting.
Saddening.
Stressful.
Surprising, to say the least.


And I don't know how much more I can emphasize on how much I loathe group works.
I mean, I'm okay with my group mates, don't get me wrong - but it's hard to find the time to sit down and have table talks when everyone is having different schedules. Curse you ADP.
ALL. DAY. PRESSURE.

The class I probably enjoy most at the moment is my PR class. Hey, I might be a rookie, or the baby in the class (as some put it), but I'm getting along pretty well. I don't have much friends in that class and I'm always alone, but whatever.
The assignments given in this class will definitely keep me busy.
It'll put me to the test of course, but I always seem to smile at the thought of being preoccupied.

Doesn't give me much room to think about other things. Ones not worth thinking about.



***


skinny love adj.
Love that's too skinny to survive. It's not properly fleshed out, and is doomed to failure.



Still I don't know why I'm holding on.

dazed

An Indie Affair from ThePartyScene on 8tracks.

Guilty as charged.
You don't have to smoke pot to get high.

visualize

the future.


Today's the last day before studying life resumes.
I think I can safely say that I'm stable at the moment; mentally, physically and spiritually.
Pray that this is going to be a good semester for me, for us all.


I don't know about you, but I'll make it.
You just watch.

true story, bro

a phoenix, rising up from the ashes

What was I thinking? Punishing myself and being so sad over something, ANYTHING, when I've got tons to be happy about?
This always happens to me. When you're just too caught up, you tend to forget what's important.

It's alright. If we didn't make any mistakes, how would we learn right?



I am done with that shit.
I am strong.
I am beautiful.
I am loved.
And I have You, Allah.



Sayonara, alter ego. I won't miss you.

au revoir

Who knew I got so much anger in me?
All it takes for a nasty blow up to happen is a girl and her monthly menstrual cycle which comes in a package of hormonal imbalance + stupidity + cooped up emotions and a whole lot of crap that can lead to her not thinking straight. And wisely, if I might add.


It's 3.29 AM right now and we're leaving for the airport at 4.45.

I don't even know why I'm not asleep. There are two major reasons why I should not leave sleep.
Major reason A) I'll be left with my thoughts and I'll play through all the "what-if's" scenarios in my head and go loco all by myself. *cue music* all by myseeellffff... don't wanna be all by myseeelfff anymoreeee 
Major reason B) I'll get hungry.

Speak of the devil. My tummy just growled.




At the moment, I'm emotionally unstable. I'm a hopeless wreck. But I do hold up pretty good most of the time I even impress myself. Hey, guess I am cut out for theater.
When all I want is just my bunny...
But what do I get?

May this trip help me find inner-peace, restore my chi and ignite my strength for what's to come. Especially uni (which is resuming in one week's time).

This trip might be exactly what I need right now.

Isolation.

perfect

if my mind was the sky, the stars would be my thoughts

I know it's too early for me to think about these things.
But replaying the things we did on "my day" in my head over and over again,
I can't help but wonder,

if it meant something to you?

on my list

of movie must watch for this year.




Seems a bit familiar, to us all. No?

if we loved each other a little bit less

This could just be the answer to why some relationships don't work. A translation from a croatian song.

If we loved each other a little bit less,

we might have even stayed a we,

possibly could have made a better we.

If we loved each other a little bit less,

we might have even liked each other.

If we loved each other from a healthy distance,

we probably wouldn’t care as much about the little things.

If we loved each other a little bit less,

we might have even stayed a we.

If we loved each other more rationally,

if we didn’t wear our hearts on our sleeves,

if all we did was simply love.

If we loved each other a bit less fatally,

if we could have focused less on dreams,

if all we did was love.

If we loved each other a little bit less,

we might have even stayed a we,

though a different we.

If we loved each other a little bit less,

we might have even liked each other.

We shouldn’t have tried so hard to please one another,

in the labyrinth of hopes and desires.

If we loved each other a little bit less,

we might have even stayed a we.

Overthinking can ruin things sometimes. Don't live in your fears, live in the moment instead. So that maybe, just maybe, you and your lover can stay a we for a long time.

she spoke words of wisdom

2011. As I reflect upon the events that I've ventured throughout that year, I realized that I've grown a lot.
Rejection, failure, starting over... Everything made me even stronger. The mistakes I've committed. No regrets, keep making them, for you'll never learn if you never try.

Here's a list of what has happened to me last year:

• Started off the year by getting four stitches on me right knee. Aye, I'm clumsy and unfortunately, very fragile despite my tough exterior. 
• Lived in Brunei with Dad for a month. Not the best time of life, but it was nice living with him again (for a long time that is).
• Got my first ever job which is a sales coordinator (a.k.a. a salesgirl) at Dorothy Perkins. Gained a lot of experience and met every possible type of shopper there is. Also encountered a few weird shebangs while I was working. Epic troll moments.
• Entered uni-life. Boy, what an adventure.
• Had a few prayers answered by God. Alhamdulillah, forever thankful.
• Met a lot of new people. Everyone of them is a miracle.
• Reinforced my 11-year-old bond with Saskia. Going on 12, and forever to go!
• Mastered a new skill before the year ended. I NOW KNOW HOW TO ICE SKATE. 

Lots of things happened. Had a couple of confessions. Had a lot of confusions. Had a lot of lost moments.
But regardless of all the adverse eventualities, the beautiful memories are too sweet and significant that they outweigh the bad ones. Not the most suckiest year I've had in the 18 years I've lived. Hm.

I don't really have a lot of new year's resolution because I always end up not doing them.

All I want to do, is improve in every aspect. And...

continue to be cute. Meow.