Tuesday, December 01, 2009

future + crap + random + life= Hanan

I am always self-conscious whenever people are around me or when i'm in public. Always aware of eyes on me, always fiddling with my hair or my shirt and always keeping my distance away from people; you know, in case I have bad breath or a zit the size of Kansas. I hate to admit this because I look so carefree on the outside and a shy smile intact, but the truth is hidden behind a mask. I'm just a good actress.

Somewhere inside of me, lies a girl with big dreams. Though, the chances of it actually being put into real life is really thin. Thinking of it that way makes me feel like a small town girl who just knows about marriage; how ironic considering the fact that i live in the city. One of the biggest dreams of mine is to live a luxurious life. No, not luxurious in a wealthy way with loads of cash, but wealthy in friendship, freedom, carelessness, and of course love.

I don't have the courage to fulfill that YET, but I will get there soon. Right after I figured out who I am exactly. The thought of it send shrills throughout my body. I can't wait to embark on that journey. The journey to discover what God has set for me, to enjoy wonders of life and to learn from it.

Being an avid reader has its many advantages. Of course, the obvious reason is because it takes you somewhere without even travelling there, only the mind does. And of course it broadens your perception on everything. It's like taking a stroll in another man's shoes. A reader is a dreamer. I dream constantly of the grounds I'm about to step in the future; another continent maybe, about my future husband; a chef preferably, and of course my absurd visions of me being able to sing in front of an audience, a big one that is. But I was just singing out of tune in the bathroom, naked while taking a shower.

I've seen a lot of characters throughout my sixteen years. Sometimes they appear to be exactly like the characters in my books! But I guess we aren't really that cruel either. Wannabes, riches, tomboys, desperados and et cetera. There was always an invisible dividing line, like us versus them. It sounds stupid in chick lits but I've seen them in real life. The dramas, the fights... UGH sometimes it sounds worse than economical breakdowns. Remember Mean Girls? The flickers she gets of the uncivilized fights which normally happens in the savanah but instead it happens in her school? Yeah, its really like that in real life. Not because of the fighting, but mostly because its noisy.

The point here is, I don't really know if I fit. Into that picture or in anywhere else. I don't feel like I'm really normal because I think I'm too weird to be normal. Or maybe, I'm just different. In a bad way. I don't... know.

Let's hope that works out in the end. Cheers to randomness. The world will be a dull place without it. Spreading love..