Saturday, November 12, 2011

my unfortunate events

Assalamualaikum. Hello. It's been a while.

So I've been caught up with a lot of work lately. Heaps of it. Alhamdulillah, I seem to manage. Some miracle always happens at the eleventh hour. I'm doing okay, but I'm barely floating though.

College has been a whirlwind so far. So many things I've experience but so little at the same time. I feel so detached from all of it. The only thing that keeps me there are my friends, Missy, Maria, Farah, Glow, Eera, Azira and Mariah. Of course, a lot of acquaintances, but I can count my close ones with my fingers. The fall semester is coming to an end and it still feels like it just started yesterday. The second we know it, it's already mid term and finals are just a few weeks away. How time flies.

Besides that, lots of things has been happening. Lots of things that has got to do with the heart.
I'm a Summer for those who don't know. Yes, the one in 500 Days Of Summer.
I tend to chase the boys I like, not settle for the ones who come. I give inappropriate signals to guys I'm not planning to be with, I'm too friendly sometimes (I think...). I like a guy, send him signals subtly, gradually building into obvious ones, then get tired and frustrated and leave. When all that fluttery gooey feelings about him goes away, he comes back. Hooray. Joy to the world huh. But sorry, you're just too little too late for that.

This is my problem. 2nd chances.
I don't give them away.

Recently, I was on a conquest to pursue this guy's heart. I was all out for him, supported him in every thing he does (even in HIS MISSION to pursue some other girl's heart...I. Am. A. Saint.), give him genuine compliments and seize every chance for me to show my affection towards him. You see, when I like someone, I will show it to them. I hate being all discrete and play all these guessing games I mean come on, isn't it obvious already? Anyways, I sorta got mixed signals from this guys. There are many a times where I felt like I should just stop and give up because it seemed like he wasn't into me but every time I try to pull away, he comes back. Sometimes I get the feeling that he reciprocated what I felt towards him. Most of the times I didn't. Oh wells.
On one fine day I realized that I spent basically half of my year trying to woo this guy. And it is so unlike me to be this way when I can't even last 2 months in a relationship (I don't have much exes fyi). So, in true Hanan-fashion, I confessed. It's either going somewhere, or it's not right? Well guess what, he didn't take up on my offer. I was rejected. It hurt of course, but hey, I tried meeting him halfway. Tried all my luck and it just wasn't meant to be I guess.

Waaaaaayyy later, this guy comes back (of course...). Eager to see me and all, asking his friends and mine where I'm at and stating that he hasn't seen me in so long. He wanted to see me. I'm cool with that, there's nothing wrong in seeing him. But the thing is, he always puts me in a situation where I feel that I was the one who had to ask HIM out. You know, by giving me hints that he's here or there but never really saying, Hey, let's lepak. I mean, you told me you wanted to see me, but couldn't you just ask me properly? Set a time or date maybe? I could've fitted you into my schedule. But I'm busy you know, I'm a student too.

Hm. I don't know what he's trying to do, but I just think that he wants to get close again as friends but maybe I'm just not giving him the chance to? Though Saskia (my BFF) says that's not the case. Well if it weren't, am I the one to be blamed?

Before I go and complete my speech for Monday, I've already decided on what I want for my birthday next year.

Birthday Wishlist;
- Coldplay concert ticket
- Ear-piercings (I am a pierce virgin)
- Looking for Alaska by John Green

Spreading love.
P/S: Be brave and chase whatever you want, regardless if you're a girl. We deserve to want things too.